Adishri

Is judgement my companion? Like a guard I use to protect myself from people. But isn’t judgement stopping me from receiving a perception of me through the eyes of another? Am I then too proud and too set in my ways to know that I can either be better or be just as I am?

But I also fear the everlasting current that is, change. It never stops, it only flows once you allow it. Is that a good thing? Does that mean I’m fully aware of myself, or the least? Will it help me understand myself more or other people less? 

Will judgement be the ruler of all my connections? All my interactions? The other side of judgement is freedom. From the other, from the silly voices in my head or so they say.

What if judgement kept me safe and comforted? What if judgement was also my silent mentor, to love and understand people within reason? Did judgement save me? From those who meant to hurt me, wound my self-image, exploit my heart and occupy my mind.

It is indeed judgement that kept me coddled and small. It reduced me and with it, I reduced the world. I do love to fit in because stepping out draws too much attention. Someone will look at me, call me out, ridicule me, tear me down, make me an outcast, label me into an unvisited box, laugh at me, mock me, can’t stand me and sometimes even wish I was gone.

Judgement makes me stay in line, humility keeps the levels in check and safety keeps me withdrawn. So I stay in line and do to others what they do to me if I ever stepped out. 

Does it stop when I’m in line? I peep ahead and worry about the lot ahead of me. When will I get there? How do I get there? I look down at the feet of those ahead of me, some shuffle in and out of the line and I take their spot. I look behind and I see a few I deem unworthy of ever getting ahead so I sacrifice a spot for them. They care for a moment, show gratitude in heaps until they turn around and forget me. 

Is there an end to this? I feel like I’m headed somewhere but why do I feel lost? Am I not fitting in well? Have I done something wrong? Am I supposed to strive to go further, quickly and never look behind but oh no, I would never like to be one of those who get ahead and forget those who helped me get there. Should I stay then?

Judgement says don’t go back and it also says don’t go ahead. A true ruler, captured me at checkmate in this line of the known and the impossible. It has a way with words, words are the fuel to my mind, my mind adores thoughts and my thoughts are consumed by you, all of you. 

It loves to think of how you feel…about me. Only me. I don’t concern myself with the way you think about yourself and your life. What do you think about me? Tell me. Use your words, fuel my mind, satiate my ruler. I yearn for your thoughts about me, the crueler the better, the sweeter the best. And if you don’t tell me, don’t worry, my mind will craft thoughts for you about me, usually cruel and I will indulge in them endlessly. At times I will impose them on you too when I need you to remember me, in the name of reassurance, I want you to serve my ruler.

Make you think of me in a way you’ve never thought of before, or have you? It doesn’t matter, it only matters what I make you think of me. Judgement is my ruler but now, do I rule your judgment over me? This is draining, this line is swallowing my soul but my mind is entertained.

Wait, did I say the line is draining me? Is my soul begging to be heard? Does it perhaps have a voice? Am I allowed a choice? To not get ahead or look behind, but only to step out? Will my ruler be unhappy with this thought that could turn into an unfamiliar movement? Am I ready to come out of hiding? Out of being controlled and unmoved? 

I stepped out, fear is currently paralysing my thoughts, my mind and my ruler. A few heads turned at the announcement of my departure but as I moved further away, their gasps and murmurs began to fade, soften even; they always whisper or murmur.

My ruler is now held in the prison of my past. My mind is unsure of what to think, probably for the best. My words are rearranging themselves to explore the unknown with kindness. 

Am I happy? On some days and moments when love enters me with ease. Do I now judge the people in the line? Does it matter what I think? What matters is that I lost myself in the way I viewed the line. My views deceived me, my approach inauthentic. 

The only thing I wish to achieve at the moment, is to not think of how you think of me or to make you a character in cinematic misery. And then maybe I’ll learn how to win my own heart and revive my soul.