Adishri

I find it hard to communicate my mind through my mouth. I try a lot but somehow I remain a stranger to the closest people in my life because I never know how to let them in. It’s not something I do intentionally, my mind is just programmed to think that the magnitude of its thoughts is too much for anyone to understand or comprehend.

I was a prisoner in my mind and over a period of time, I realised the key was always dangling on the lock. Sometimes I would remember the power to open it is in my hands, but I chose to stay in. And sometimes I would forget it was even there and convince myself that life has kept me hostage.

I think it’s popularly known as ‘Imposter Syndrome’ these days and I find it jarring to attach a name to it. I find that the concept of naming something solidifies its impact on me. I took my mind to therapy instead and I had the privilege of finding a therapist who turned my prison into a temple overtime. We didn’t discuss names or labels, I just knew my mind needed its treatment for falling ill so often, or was choosing to stay ill throughout. My medication was my vulnerability, my emotions flying free and having a voice.

I mixed spiritualty with therapy and worked on healing myself. I was forced into religion growing up but I never refused it. Being a people pleaser helped in a way because everyone seemed to be doing it in my family so I copied them. At the age of 24, I was shown a beautiful way of collaborating with religion, and it was spirituality. My guru showered me with her wisdom in ways that awakened mine. It always amazed me how she knew my mind, body, heart and soul more than me.

She saw a vision of me, a higher self that I was instantly attracted to. I felt honoured that someone of her stature could see me as this divine angelic being in this lifetime. My soul clung hard to this vision, I worked hard on my emotions to truly identify myself. For over 2 years now, that’s what I’ve done. I can confirm that I do find myself to be the divine angelic being she saw 2 years ago. But the true beauty of this journey is that you start seeing the divine angelic being in everyone else too thereafter.

What I recently discovered about myself is that I am an observer and absorber of energies. Being aware of that makes me a constant recipient to all kinds of energies. At 26, it becomes hard to make sense of everything I receive and even harder to let go. As a frequent visitor to the past to live in the present for a better future is hard yet again as I get tempted to stay in the past. The past is easy to get accustomed to, I know what has happened and I constantly try to justify it. It became a dangerous habit. The present became a tool of escapism for me to do the bare minumum of living and breathing. Through this it was brave of me to craft an abundant future from breaking down the past to perfection and completely dismissing the present. I understand now that perfectionism doesn’t exist and I aim to be happy with my imperfections.

So here I am, here’s my blog, here’s my mind. In the present moment, trying to live in the now. Sharing my observations with you. And you get to stay here with me if you wish to, to be present with my mind for a bit.